Parents always say that after their child is born, time flies by. They say it is as if one day you are looking down into your innocent baby’s eyes and the next day you are watching your child look into the eyes of their loved one, getting married and you are left wondering where the time has gone. I don’t have any experience in getting married or having children, but I can only imagine it is very similar to watching a season of The Bachelorette: In the beginning Ashley was a single, insecure girl and now, weeks (what seems like years) later, we have watched her grow on her journey and become a soon-to-be engaged, (still) insecure woman. As we watch Ashley with only three men left, we are left wondering, where has the time gone?! (Yes, I just related the sanctity of marriage and the miracle of birth to The Bachelorette).
There’s only one way to reflect on the final three guys, and that is by pretending to write in a diary and looking off into space. Ashley pensively writes and thinks as her voiceover describes the following men:
Ben: Sensitive guy who she began to fall for at the orphanage. He was once guarded, but is now open.
Constantine: Guy who tied floss on her finger the first night he met her. She thinks he has a good head on his shoulders (not to be confused with Ames who had a good forehead on his shoulders). She feels the relationship is progressing slowly. Oh, and she loves his Greek family. They reshow a clip of her meeting his family in the hometown date. Did anyone else see his poodle wearing a dress? How did I miss that before?!
JP: She thinks he looks like a model and has the cutest smile. He is a sincere and grown man who is physically everything she wants. He is also emotionally everything she wants and knew things would get serious after the first date. Her description makes it sound like JP is going to win, which usually means he won’t.
Ashley finishes writing (Bentley’s name accompanied by heart doodles) in her diary and says that she will be meeting Ben for their date any minute. An unsuspecting *Knock Knock Knock* occurs, Ashley opens the door, looks shocked, ABC cues horror music sound effects, and Ashley asks the mysterious person, “What are you doing here?!” and then it goes to commercial. Why am I so into this show?
We return after an unnecessarily dramatic commercial break and see that Ryan has returned. He is filmed in weird light and creepy music that is reminiscent of Frankenstein. He says he has returned because he doesn’t want any regrets, he wants to put things out on the line and hopes Ashley will give him a second chance. He is the only guy on this show that I believe would truly come back to express his feelings, and not just for a free ticket to Fiji.
Ryan knocks on the door, Ashley opens it lets out an exasperated, “Ryyyyyy” and drags it out long enough to convey that she may have forgotten the rest of his name. He comes inside and both of them act like it’s no big deal that he is here.
Ashley: Let’s talk.
Ryan: Ok, great idea! So I’m just confused. We were in Taiwan doing tai chi and cuddling and living in the passion and then all of a sudden you kicked me off the show and I went home.
Ashley: Yes, that is pretty much what happened.
Ryan: So I went back home and got right back into the swing of things, right back into work. But I felt like we didn’t think things through.
Ashley: No, I pretty much did.
Ryan: I thought about it over and over again. I couldn’t figure out what could have gone wrong. It couldn’t have been that I’m overly happy, or that I talked for 49 minutes about a water heater on our date. So I had to come back and fly to Fiji to tell you that I just want more time with you.
Ashley: I remember that water heater discussion.
Ryan: Anyways, so I know I’m not supposed to do this, and I know it was totally against the rules, but I called Chris Harrison. I had to fight to see you again. I said I would do anything.
Side note: This is how the conversation with Ryan and Chris really went:
Ryan: Hi Chris it’s Ryan!
Chris: Hey. How did you get this number?
Ryan: So I know it’s completely against the rules, but I need to see Ashley one more time. I’ll do anything; if only I could, I would fly to the sun to exclaim my love to her—
Chris: Yeah, sure. No problem. She’s in Fiji. Here’s her itinerary, flight number and hotel. Heck, here’s a ticket to Fiji and a key to her room. Please don’t call this number again.
To sum it up: Ryan is conveniently in Fiji for a few days and awaits Ashley’s decision to whether or not she will spend more time with him. Ryan’s a dork. Let’s get back to the other guys who were not kicked off the show…
Safety first! Let’s rub oil on each other!
Ben has the first date this week. They haven’t seen each other since the hometown date, but act as if they haven’t seen each other in years. They go on a boat and try to hold a normal conversation in the wind. Ashley’s hair is flying all over the place and she loses her flower…in her hair.
They discuss their hometown date in Sonoma, California and Ashley confesses she was the most nervous around his mom because she knew how important his mom and sister are to him. Ben attempts to reassure her by saying that he thinks his mom liked her and that he “got a good feeling from her.” Is he trying to say that after Ashley, the entire production/makeup/camera crew left their house, they did not utter a single word about Ashley?
We all know safety never takes a holiday. So Ben and Ashley rub sunscreen/oil on each other in a way that is only a few notches below pornographic. Then they jump in the water for some snorkeling. They see some amazing fish. Ashley comments that she feels protected around Ben, and says, “As long as I’m with him, everything will be ok, no matter what happens.” I’d really enjoy seeing a massive family of sharks swim by them. See how safe Ben makes her feel then.
Ben is also happy about their date at sea and says, “I am floating, I feel really great.” The editing makes it sound like he is referring to his feelings around Ashley, but I prefer to imagine that it was an excerpt of his response to the question, “How do you feel in the water?”
Ben also adds that he has so much to tell her, but that “right now is just not the time.” He decides to wait… until dinner. I’m glad he deemed 2 hours from now to be the “appropriate time.”
The two meet for dinner and Ben takes a fashion tip from Ashley and he wears a see- through long sleeve shirt. Something only Enrique Iglesias is allowed to wear, and he doesn’t even always pull that off. The upside to his see-through shirt is that you can see the microphone strap around his waist.
Throughout the dinner you can tell he is trying to figure out how to tell her he loves her. There are so many opportunities it becomes uncomfortable. Both of them are sort of feeling each other out, gauging to see how much the other one likes them. But alas, in the end Ben does not have the balls to tell her. And apparently, Ashley does not have mascara available in Fiji…
Ashley pulls out the famous Fantasy Suite Card. She hands Ben the hand-written note from Chris Harrison inviting the two to “forgo their individual rooms” and fornicate… I mean, spend the night together. They of course accept and head to their suite.
It’s a nice suite with a swimming pool and wonderful view. All things that prolong the inevitable sex. They swim around and then he carries her out of the pool, which makes me extremely nervous as it looks precariously slippery. These are the things I worry about. Lights go out and romantic implications are made…
Constantine- So that’s a “no” on the Fantasy Suite then…?
Ashley meets Constantine and she decides to wear a very complicated shirt that looks like if you pulled at a string it would raise like a curtain. She greets Constantine in a puppy voice (perhaps appropriate considering his newly discovered dress-wearing poodle). Constantine comments on how tan Ashley looks. Ashley is remiss to mention her tan is a result of lying out naked in the sun with Ben all day.
Ashley takes Constantine to a helicopter and he is immediately filled with glee. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so excited. They take a flight above Fiji and Ashley is incredibly pleased. She comments “I have a Greek God to my left and crystal water below me. I couldn’t picture a more perfect date.” She clearly has no clue what is about to come on this date…and it’s not Constantine…
Not only does she have “a Greek god to her left” but she also has a sad boy below her, as the editing makes it appear as if the helicopter that Ashley and Constantine are riding flies directly above lonely Ryan, standing all by himself on an island of reefs. Ryan says that it has been a couple days since he has heard from Ashley, but is sure that he is on her “to do list.” Not to be confused with Ashley’s “Did last night list” which has Ben’s name on it.
Constantine and Ashley continue their date and have a picnic. As they munch on coconuts (that sounded dirty but really was not intended to), Ashley asks him how many houses he looked at before he decided to buy one. He tells her that he looked at 108 houses before he decided on buying his house. Ashley looks mortified and equates the way he searches for houses to the way he looks for a wife. Constantine reiterates that “houses are a financial investment” which is why he spent so much time doing it. So a wife is what kind of investment…?
Ashley explains her worry by saying that he thinks things through and puts a lot of time into things before deciding anything. I’m not sure why she considers this a negative attribute… who cares, let’s get to the entertaining part of this date…
They go to dine at the Namale Resort and Spa. They both take sips of their wine and comment on the taste:
Ashley: Yum, very sweet.
Constantine: Yes, grape fruity. (Is that sweet?) Ben taught me that.
Then they start talking about Ben (which is never a good sign) and Constantine describes how Ben has become his friend then essentially says that if Ben and her were to fall in love, he really couldn’t do anything about it. He adds that normally, he acts on his instincts and is more affectionate with people he dates. (Ouch).
Then things go very sour (opposite of grape fruity) very fast. Ashley offers him the Fantasy Suite Card and he pretty much denies it. He of course is as tactful as possible and uses the “I respect you too much as a person” line.
Ashley isn’t quite sure if that means he doesn’t want to be with her or if that just means he doesn’t want to sleep with her. (Are they mutually exclusive?) He says that “this is the end of the road” and Ashley tells him that she respects his honesty. Constantine gets up and leaves. Alright then. Good talk, see ya out there!
Throw Ryan a Bone!
Ashley gets to boost her ego by rejecting Ryan. She shows up to his house and he looks like he is going to burst from excitement. Ashley begins by saying that if she were to write down on paper what she was looking for in a man, Ryan would “be exactly it.” She continues to lead him on by saying that he is one of the best guys she has ever met in her life. However, she knows she made the right decision by sending him home. Yikes. For the second time, we see the utterly distraught look in Ryan’s face. A face that looks like he just saw a family of puppies slaughtered by a unicorn.
Ryan’s optimism kicks in after about 3 seconds and his huge grin returns to his face. I really don’t understand how he can always be so jovial. I don’t trust people who are always happy. Same with people who collect stickers. Can’t trust ‘em.
Side note: If Ryan is the next bachelor, I hope the sun explodes.
We save the best for last. Ashley has her last date with JP. His shirt is also thin enough to see the microphone strapped to his body. The two get in a plane with floaters, apparently called a “sea plane” and go for a ride. I didn’t know people actually used those planes. I thought they were only in cartoons. You learn something new everyday.
JP and Ashley fly to their private island. They are both excited about the situation and JP considers this an experience with Ashley that is “once in a lifetime.” Unless of course he becomes the next bachelor… (fingers crossed).
They discuss their hometown date and JP shares that his dad (who looked like Santa Claus) said that Ashley would be a “welcomed edition” to the family. The two continue to talk while in the ocean. Then Ashley straddles him underwater (hence ABC’s investment in an underwater camera).
Ashley and JP meet for dinner. Ashley wears bedazzled hoop earrings that are so big I’m tempted to try and throw little bits of coconut pieces through them.
Then, in a horribly misleading way, Ashley tells JP that she already sent two guys home while in Fiji. Poor JP has no idea that Ryan came back so he can only deduce that she sent Constantine and Ben home. Then Ashley explains what really happened and JP is sadly disappointed. That was evil of her.
She gives JP the Fantasy Suite Card and he responds, “Um, Ya. I think I’m into that.” Chris encloses the key to the Fantasy Suite within the card, but he should really be more considerate and also include some protection… or at least a pack of Plan B.
They head to the suite and Ashley tells him she will be back shortly because she has to change. She changes into a long white shirt made for a man. Then they film for about 9 seconds too long and we transgress past the point of romantic implications. Instead, we see them. In JP’s pants.
Ashley does not need to eliminate anyone as Constantine decided to peace out. So we make it unnecessarily dramatic by Ashley expressing her apprehension that Ben or JP won’t accept the rose. Um, you can’t fool me, ABC. You did this on Ali’s season when Frank left on his own and only Chris and Roberto were left. (I need to get a life).
She meets the boys at the ceremony and explains to them how much she really wants them to think about accepting the rose. She reiterates it several times to the point that it sounds like she’s trying to dissuade them from accepting. The boys are dressed more casually than the average rose ceremony. In fact, JP is wearing Teevas. What is it about beautiful and exotic locations that make people think they can wear whatever they want?
She gives roses to Ben and JP and they accept. Shocking. Although, that would have been “the most shocking rose ceremony in the history of The Bachelorette” if one of them denied the rose and the other guy was left standing and suddenly engaged to his dismay.
Next week we have the Men Tell All followed by the finale in Fiji. That’s a lot of Ashley. In the finale JP tells her he loves her, and so does Ben. There is some yelling and crying between Ashley and her sister, who looks like she is just out of rehab. I honestly have no idea who is going to win; I think I’ll be complacent either way. Although, I sort of hope Ben wins so that JP can be the next Bachelor and hopefully ABC will not deny my application again.
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