It’s official. I’d have sex with just about anyone in Fiji. That place is beautiful – wowzers. It does make Constantine shine even more though.
Ashley, her tie-dyed skirt, Constantine, JP and Ben all travel to Fiji for the last few episodes. Lucky bastards. After a brief recap of how she feels about all the guys, we see a serial killer wandering the grounds of the Fiji hotel. Oh wait, its just Ryan. Wait, what the f**k is Ryan doing there? He claims that he feels there are things left unsaid between them and he’s just wondering if she regretted sending him home. He wants to talk to her. Let me break this down for you Bachelorette virgins: Ryan has probably just been chosen as the next Bachelor so the Producers want to make sure the viewers really know who he is and that we all feel bad for him. Mark my words.
He heads to Ashley’s room, where they reminisce about doing Tai Chi together in Taiwan. I really don’t like him. He’s too gooey. He says he couldn’t get her out of his head so he called Chris Harrison. Let’s stop there. Does he really know Chris’ cell number? I appreciate Chris getting chummy with the contestants but just tossing out that number casually might get really annoying, say if Vienna calls you wasted all the time. If I had his number I’d certainly crank call him. Often.
Ryan tells her he wants another chance, blah blah blah. He tells her not to answer him, but to think about it and get back to him. He’ll be in Fiji for a couple days. Alone. Sitting on rocks and thinking about solar power, probably.
Ben says it’s effortless with Ashley and he’s excited to hang with her. On a yacht. In Fiji. So yeah, I’d be excited to do that too…with Ashley. Or Hitler. Or Amy Winehouse. (too soon?) Doesn’t matter. It’s a yacht in Fiji, people.
Ben spends time spreading sunscreen on Ashley’s boobs, which seems a bit a) unnecessary and b) graphic for a show your father will see. Then she straddles him and returns the favor. He then thanks her for her hard work, which I can only assume is a crack at his huge boner.
They go snorkeling with “the most beautiful colorful fish I’ve ever seen.” She’s perceptive, eh? Ben then comments, “I saw my life with Ashley flash before my eyes today.” Really? While snorkeling off a 30 million dollar yacht in Fiji? If that’s how you see the rest of your life with her, you’re sorely mistaken. That’s not reality. Just wait until she just gives birth and she’s using a breast pump in front of you, while crying about her stitched up vagina. THAT is reality, Benny.
Before dinner, Ben tells us he’s going to tell Ashley he loves her tonight. At dinner, they chat and I don’t know what they said because I’m put off by the fact she forgot her eye makeup. Ben mentions something about getting a sense of clarity. Whatever. Here comes the big “I love you.” Ben then says, “I’ve learned a lot about myself because of you. I’m on my way to the whole I love you thing.” Okaaaay, sure! That’s close enough. That’s exactly what my husband said in his vows at our wedding: “I’m on my way to the whole I love you thing.” Just when I think Ben isn’t a total douche…
Anyway, Ashley then gives Ben the infamous card. He reads it: “Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. I may or may not be under the bed masturbating, depending on what time the buffet closes up. Sincerely, Chris Harrison”
Ben comments again that he wants it to feel like today, all the time. It won’t. Like when you’ve been married for six years and your three-year-old toddler craps his pants for the 10th time that week and Ashley’s washing human feces off her arms. It won’t feel like Fiji then.
They meet up and head out for a helicopter ride. Constantine is approximately 50 times more excited for that, than seeing Ashley. As evidenced by his passionate, side hug. And then a high-five in the helicopter. He might as well grab her around the neck and give her a nuggie.
Here’s the helicopter ride summary: flying, flying, flying, high five, flying “I’ve never seen water so blue”, flying, and land.
While the helicopter flies overhead, we see Ryan on the beach watching it, and I nearly spit my drink out. Now THAT is funny.
Constantine and Ashley frolic under a waterfall, and jump off a rock that is a terrifying, 5 or 6 feet off the ground. They eat lunch where she continues to push him, saying that they’re running out of time. She does have a point here. The next stop is engagement, and he won’t hold her hand yet. Rightfully so, she’s concerned they’re not moving fast enough. I’m more concerned that they’re not moving…at all.
At dinner, she airs out her vagina again in an extremely short skirt, while Constantine perfects his shiny forehead look. He makes a comment about Ben and she asks if it’s weird that he and his friend are both dating the same girl. He says no, because he doesn’t really like her. If he did, then it might be weird, yes. That’s not exactly what he says, but pretty much.
She grills him a little more about how he feels and he finally admits that he’s just not all that into her. He says he knows what the fantasy suite means and he respects her too much to accept it, knowing he’s not in love with her. Then he takes it another step further – not only does he not want to take her to the fantasy suite, but he doesn’t really want to see her face anymore. Aaaaaand Constantine out. He’s done. He says to the Bachelorette camera, “The last thing I wanted to do was walk out on her. My biggest fear was hurting her or embarrassing her. It took me time to figure out it wasn’t going to the next level.” Then he adds, “Plus, I wanted to go to Fiji. Plus I was paid off by the Producers and was contractually obliged to stay until now. But those are unnecessary details.”
This is so stupid. Does anyone even remotely think she’s going to give Ryan another chance? Of course not! This is so transparent. God I hate this show.
Ashley takes Ryan out to his veranda to dump him. She says that no, she doesn’t really feel anything towards him and that she does feel pretty strongly for two other guys. So buh bye Ryan. We end the Ryan segment by him talking to the Bachelorette camera and setting himself up perfectly to be the next Bachelor. He says, “It’ll happen for me. I won’t hold back ever again. “ I have to admit that he might be entertaining to watch as the next Bachelor because he’s SUCH A DORK.
It’s no wonder Ashley has to air out her vagina in short skirts every night – they need the air after being bound up in those tight denim shorts all day. I mean, geesh.
JP foreshadows that this will be the high point of any date they’ve been on. Really? Really? On a private island in Fiji versus being forced to perform with the Jabbawockeez in Vegas? He’s a smart one, this JP.
Anyway, they take a seaplane to a private island where they stand fully clothed in the water, grabbing at each other a lot. Meanwhile, the seaplane just waits for them about 50 yards offshore. I bet they have binoculars.
Nothing new is said. He loves her and she’s into him too, they make out a lot and grab each other. Whoopie. At dinner, Ashley appropriately sports island gear. And by “island gear”, I mean she’s wearing the same dress as Robert Palmer’s back-up dancers in the “Addicted to Love” video. Ashley then pulls a complete dick maneuver. She tells JP that she said goodbye to two guys yesterday, which of course, JP assumes that means he’s the only one left. Then she explains how Constantine left but the second guy was Ryan, who came back. So JP stammers, “That’s good to hear”, which means, “I’m going to go back to my Fijian hotel room and pray to the gods Ben drowns today.”
Ashley gives JP the fantasy suite card, and he replies, “Yeah, I think I’m into that.” Uh, that’s what you’ll be saying later. They head to the suite, Ashley changes into a long shirt (odd) and then JP dry humps her on the bed. Close the door, people. Wait until the cameras leave. Geesh. This is a family show. Hold the phone – is he wearing white jean shorts? Oh nooooo.
Chris Chat and Rose Ceremony
She reminisces with Chris about how playful Ben is, how great JP is and how sucky Constantine is. They decide to do another rose ceremony because even though there are two guys left, with two roses to hand out, she wants to make SURE the guys want to be with her. Uhhh, was she not ON those dates? Her paralyzing insecurity is still grating on me. Anyway, she gives roses to JP and Ben who of course, both accept them. Anti-climatic, people.
Ashley’s bitchy, tattooed sister is in Fiji next week for the finale on Monday night. My money is still on Ben. I think JP is the obvious choice so they’ll just try to surprise us – just a hunch. But first up is the Men Tell All reunion on Sunday night. See you then!
For a recap of last week’s episode, click here!
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