We’re down to six girls and six guys. At this rate, we’ll be done around Thanksgiving. I know I’ll be thankful for this crap to be finished. I can almost HEAR my brain giving out, as I watch this.
Last week’s cliffhanger turned out to be absolutely nothing. Jake was the one to go home…and he went home. No drama. Nothing. Kasey and Vienna seem quite proud of themselves for thinking they’re running this entire game and getting Jake out. I really do hate them. So does Erica, who is seriously growing on me. She says, “They were just sitting there with ugly little looks on their ugly little faces.” I’m not sure I could say it better myself.
Well, if herpes wasn’t free-flying in the house before, we know the cold-sore type is now. So friggin gross.
The challenge is a kissing competition. Each guy gets blindfolded, one at a time, and the girls take turns molesting their faces. The guys vote for the best kisser. Not too complicated…even for me and my shrinking brain. Then it’s the girls turn. Kasey is concerned, mostly because he’s afraid Vienna will freak if he kisses other girls. Plus, he says, “I don’t find any of those girls attractive.” Please, find me ONE GUY on this planet who would actually prefer to make out with Vienna and those eyes, instead of smokin’ hot Michelle. Go, try, please.
Holly is up first, and out of respect for Michael, who is still in love with her, none of the guys really kiss her at all, except Blake who jams his dentist tongue down her throat. Whoa. He’s proud of himself, saying, “I have skills in my repertoire and the guys are worried about that.” I’m almost positive that the guys aren’t worried about that.
Other girl highlights: Nobody kisses Erica except Blake and his “skillz”. Melissa gets a kiss from Blake, who then says, “It’s so obvious he has feelings for me.” It is pretty obvious, actually. Feelings of complete disgust, but sure, those are feelings.
Ella really liked Blake’s kiss too and calls it a “baby making kiss”. Ummm, has she made babies before? A baby making kiss is nonexistent, because mine was like this: “Hey! I’m ovulating, get your ass up here, and make it quick. I’m tired.”
Now for the guys…Ella sucks on lips, which is horrible, but apparently the guys like it and she’s quite confident in her kissing skills. She says that the guys never want it to end. Well, I do. Stop it. Bleeaeach.
Erica is whore-y, sloppy and I want to wipe my mouth just watching her. Easy, girlfriend. Their faces aren’t Taco Bell bean burritos. Easy.
Not surprisingly, Kasey had frog breath, so the girls are all grossed out. The only other highlight (if you want to call it that) is gross Blake feeling up Holly’s mouth with his tongue. It was a LOT. How do those teeth not get in the way? They’re big.
The winners are Blake and Ella who get roses and are then told they get a romantic date with only one person.
Ella chooses Kirk to be her date and I’m undecided on whether he actually likes her or not. They’re an odd couple. I guess it’s cute, but I can’t picture them naked and humping. Anyway, they take a Ferrari for a ride…and they end up at a house with pizza delivery sitting on the ground. One thing is for sure – they certainly don’t have the Bachelor budget on the Bach Pad, do they?
They eat pizza and exchange lighthearted stories about how Kirk almost died of asbestos poisoning and Ella’s mom was murdered in front of her by her step-dad. You know, basic, light-hearted first date convo. Kirk mentions how his illness really made him realize what was important in life…uh, like the Bachelor Pad? I think that asbestos did more damage than he thought.
They go on a hot air balloon ride, which looks romantic until the cameraman’s arm flies in front of the screen and I realize he’s about nine inches from them. Not romantic. Kirk agrees but Ella is wasted so she grabs his face and kisses him. He pulls away. I don’t think he’s into her.
Melissa embarrassingly assumes she’ll be going on Blake’s date, despite the fact he hates her and told her he doesn’t want to be with her. When he’s forced to choose, he chooses Holly. It’s the worst game move ever, but he’s hoping to get his dentist d**k wet. Wow, that was graphic, but true.
To say Melissa doesn’t take the news well, is a sliiiiight understatement. The girl LOSES her mind. It’s actually terrifying. She sprints upstairs, hyperventilating, where she’s quoted as saying, “I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than feel pain like that.” Let’s just clarify a couple points…1) She will be alone for the rest of her life, thanks to this episode. Single-handedly, she will scare away every man on this planet. And rightfully so…she’s the chick who will bite your testicles off if you’re caught receiving a suspicious text message. And 2) She has known Blake for a week or two, at most. That’s all it takes to experience “pain like that?” Easy, chick.
Melissa then tries to talk everyone in the house into voting Blake out. And then she yells at Holly. This is intense. In her rage, she looks for Blake to scream at him some more. He’s brushing his teeth and informs her he has 40 seconds left on his electric toothbrushing cycle. She waits. And waits. Try to find the clip on YouTube or something. The editing is friggin masterful. The toothbrush is still buzzing as they fade to commercial, as she waits. And waits. She will literally never date again.
Holly and Blake take a private plane to Mammoth, where they are forced to ski. Holly’s laugh soon becomes like nails on a blackboard and I desperately want to fast-forward, but I stick with it…for YOU people! Anyhoo, they hang out by a campfire or something. I don’t care. He says to the Bachelor camera that he really likes her and he’s never met anyone like her before, etc. He bugs. She claims she didn’t think much about Michael on the date and she’s never had so much fun in her life. What bugs me about this is that ANYONE would feel that way when dating a new person. Of COURSE it’s new and exciting. When you’re with someone awhile, that excitement goes away, and of COURSE it would be fun to make out with a hot dentist with large teeth. Who wouldn’t want that? That’s the problem with kids these days. Once the passion subsides, they cash in their marriages! Holy crap, am I my mother right now?
She spends the night with Blake and when she comes back to the house, Michael runs into the kitchen to find her where they hug and it’s so friggin sweet I can’t even stand it. I start crying. My husband leaves the room. He can’t handle me right now.
Michael basically tells her that he’s still in love with her, he misses her and he doesn’t want to be without her. Yeah, Bud, nothing will clarify that faster than watching another guy bang her. Duh.
They chat, she tells him how she made out with Blake and he looks absolutely devastated. Ummm, wait until he finds out they humped. Holly claims she’s confused, so we’ll see what happens. For the record, the tabloids report she’s still dating Blake today. Puke.
Chris tells us that tonight, it’s back to business as usual: Guys vote a girl out and girls vote a guy out. For the guys, it’s between Kasey and William. Kasey tells people he needs the money in order for his Grandmother to live. How could anyone even remotely believe that? I hate these people.
For the girls, it’s between Melissa and…um, yeah, just Melissa. She thinks that some people are voting to get Erica out, but that’s a lie. Everyone hates this crazy bitch and she’s gone. Again, I have to hand it to the editors. The way they are portraying her running around the cocktail party like she’s bats**t crazy is unreal. She is begging and yelling at people and freaking out and I just wonder how the hell does she not realize how crazy she is coming across. Please go away. I don’t know what else really happens at the cocktail party because over the commercial break, they announce the new cast of Dancing with the Stars and ummm, Chaz Bono is on it? Wowzers.
Ella, Holly, Blake and Kirk are all safe. Roses go to Graham, Michelle, Michael, Vienna, Kasey and Erica, therefore sending Melissa and William home.
William is sad, but Melissa again, steals the moment. She is crying so hard in the limo, that her face is completely distorted. I actually grimace at my TV. It’s truly freaky. So between Melissa’s insanity and crying over Michael and Holly, I do admit I was mildly entertained tonight. There are still ten people left – five couples, so I don’t know how they’re going to do it, but I believe there are only two episodes left. I can’t say I’m sad…between Melissa’s nuttiness and Ashley’s forehead, this has been a long season. But I’ll see you next week!
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For a recap of last week’s episode – click here!