There’s a lot of talk among men and women about “friends with benefits”, i.e., a friend one can have sex with without actually proclaiming a real relationship. Basically, a friend with benefits is someone who’ll take a booty call, and then go on about his or her business without participating in their lover’s life.
The question is, should a “friend with benefits” really be one of your friends?
Jersey Shore’s Pauly D. said in a recent Season 4 episode that he’s never a known a girl who can “just have sex” and not get attached. Pauly was referring to housemate, Deena, who has a crush on him. Although he’d probably like to “hit it”, he’s holding back because, as his friend, he both likes and respects Deena and doesn’t want to see her get her feelings hurt when he later has relations with other women.
Pauly D. makes a good point. I asked my panel of sexy San Antonian’s what they think about the “friends with benefits” arrangement, and whether or not the women (and even the men) can handle it and come out of it unscathed.
Steve T. shares: “I knew a young lady who did so but it was more like “strangers with benefits.” They’d meet from time to time for sex when she was between boyfriends, but they made a point of not getting to know each other in any way. Realizing she wanted more, she eventually broke it off even though it had been her idea.”
Steve’s friend steered clear of her circle of friends, and still got emotionally caught in her own web.
Joseph D. says “Women’s lib has told women that they’re just the same as men. I’ve never seen it when (it comes to ‘just sex’). Eventually, the woman gets extremely jealous and confused. Sometimes it’s the guy, but usually it’s the woman. Eventually, they feel cheap, and worthless….We live in a society where we want something for nothing, but life doesn’t work that way. Might as well just jack off; it’s less complicated. The ones that do succeed are usually older women, 40 or above.”
Joseph’s point is valid. Women are hard-wired to attach emotions to sex. It’s a chemical thing that they have no control over. The only way to circumvent that evolutionary chemical bonding is to keep the FWB’s booty calls down to three or less. The longer a woman is having sex with a man, the more bonded to him she becomes.
Monique H. agrees. “Two people that actually like each other and partake in such levels of intimacy for any real amount of time, sooner or later, someone is gonna get attached. I’d also like to add that it’s not usually me.”
Monique may be the exception to the rule, but she’s a very strong woman. Becky A. points out “These arrangements don’t usually last for long. But they’re not supposed to, are they?”
Indeed, they’re not. If a “friends with benefits” arrangement lasted, it would be a relationship, wouldn’t it?
And when they don’t work out, do you really want to continue seeing that person anymore? Therein lies the crux of the deal. If a ‘friend with benefits” is one of your actual friends, then the friendship suffers as a result of the sexual element. I guess the moral to the theory is that your “friend with benefits” shouldn’t really be one of your friends because if he or she is, you already have feelings for him/her; and adding sex to the equation is sure to screw it all up.
Of course, you could be one of the lucky few couples who are friends first, decide to scratch a little sexy itch together, and then fall madly in love. It’s a gamble. I suppose you have to ask yourself; are you feeling lucky or just trying to get lucky?
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In addition to this local column, and her work as a Freelance Journalist in San Antonio, Michele Gwynn is also the National Animal Rights Examiner. Her love of pets began at an early age with a stray cat named Harvey, and a dying field mouse named Tucker. She is a pet parent to four cats, and an animal rights champion to all critters, large and small. Visit her animal rights column here.
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