Two people meet.
They groove on each other and decide to go out.
One date leads to another, and another.
They decide to start a relationship.
They each have certain expectations about what being in a relationship means.
They do not talk about what those expectations are – or what being in a relationship means to each of them.
They start acting, reacting to their partner’s actions/words based on their expectations around the relationship.
When their partner does not act/react as they are expecting them to – resentment/hurt/disappointment starts.
Their partner’s lack of action/reaction based on what they expect seems to mean to them that their partner is not really into them/doesn’t really care/is cheating/etc.
Two people start hurting each other.
One hurt leads to another, and another.
Two people no longer groove on each other and decide to break up/divorce.
Two people go back out in the single world thinking men/women are crazy.
We tell children to ask for what they want. We tell our friends to tell us the truth and not hold back. We tell our colleagues to be specific and speak their minds. We ask for clear instructions to do our jobs well. We ask for specifics to ensure we get things right. But when it comes to our partners we seem to think they can somehow read our minds and we shouldn’t have to ask.
Instead we drop hints, use innuendos, give signals and cannot understand stand why we don’t get what we want.
We create relationships in our heads. We have expectations about what being in a relationship means. About what dating means.
About what having sex means.
About what meeting his/her friends/kids/parents mean.
About what every little action/reaction may or may not mean.
These expectations create rules/requirements in our minds. We then live our lives in these relationships based on these rules and requirements. Sometimes, these self-created relationships are close to reality and our rules and regulations match our partner’s rules and regulations…but most of the time…they are miles apart.
These mind-created relationships are often based on past experiences, individual coping mechanisms, values, personality traits, family, community, sexual needs, issues, etc. With billions of people in the world – its not hard to imagine there would be quite a few different versions. We shouldn’t go into relationships with blind eyes and closed minds – but we should go into them dealing with the reality and truth of what they are. I have found the best way to do this is to remain in the present. Deal with who and what is in front of you. Not who and what is in your past or who and what you expect from your future.
Ask for what you want. Clarify expectations. Agree on the ground rules of your relationship. Sure, doesn’t sound sexy or alluring….but hurting each other and disappointment don’t either.