In the world of roller derby, skaters’ opinions are more eclectic than if you were to feed all the United Nations delegates, Country Fair regulars, and Florida’s citizenry piles of acid then ask them to describe heaven. But, in my travels within this sisterhood, I’ve found that without exception all have heard of the Oly Rollers. And, again without any dissenters (outside of Denver or New York perhaps), they know that this team from Olympia, WA would destroy them.
Consequently, the Oly Rollers, currently ranked #1 in the world, have a hard time finding opponents. Enter our Western Region #11-ranked Emerald City Skatesaphrenics. Despite the seemingly insurmountable odds, the Skatesaphrenics agreed to face an opponent sporting three women who will skate for Team USA in this year’s roller derby World Cup.
Believe it or not, the Skatesaphrenics were able to pull off a victory…a moral victory. The bout was never close. But, they were able to achieve small goals. By jam four, Betty Aim Fire had earned the Phrenics’ first lead jammer whistle when Atomatrix committed a minor on her way through the pack. On the very next jam, Assista Suicide scored the Phrenics’ first point to put it at 30-1. The Skatesaphrenic bench went wild with chants of “Skatesagator Gator! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp!”, which even the sometimes hostile “Oly Oly Oly. Oi! Oi! Oi!” fans seemed to enjoy.
Using their standard strategy of pushing opposing blockers to the inside to allow their jammers to go flying around the outside, Oly would proceed to score the next 80 points, including a 25-0 non-power jam by Atomatrix. Aside from the usual array of crushing blocks by Ophelia Melons-she hit Atomatrix so hard she left her number imprinted on Atomatrix’s shoulder-the Skatesaphrenics had little to cheer about for the rest of the half. At halftime, they were down 137-5.
The second half started on a high note. With Oly’s jammer Atomatrix in the box for the first jam, the Phrenics’ top jammer Bullet Brains scored 9 of her 16 points with Ophelia Melons clearing the way for her. But, Tannibal Lector quickly quieted the fans from Eugene with a 20-0 non-power jam on the very next frame. The rest of the bout was more of the same Oly dominance interrupted by two interesting time outs. The first was about midway through the half. The Phrenics called a time out so their entire team could run in front of the Oly bench and photo bomb them. “I didn’t know what was going on,” Oly blocker Intended Anger said. “I thought they were getting ready to leave.” The second interesting time out was a few jams later which Oly called to bring attention to the fact that Coach Eric Charneski (perhaps the world’s lamest derby name) and Sassy were leaving for the airport.
Flat Track Stats predicted Emerald City would lose this non-WFTDA-sanctioned bout by a 16:1 point ratio. They finished just better than 9:1. Moral victory. Technical loss: Oly Rollers 268 – Emerald City 30.
Skater on the move:
Hard Times jammed the most (ten times) and scored the most (77 points) for the Oly Rollers. Midway through the second half, she had a stint where she tallied a 20-0 power jam, rested a jam, and then posted a 20-0 non-power jam.
Skater who will ruin your life:
Oly’s Sassy, the only Oly Roller who didn’t take a turn with the jammer panties, put on a positional blocking clinic. When Phrenics jammers found themselves at the front with only Sassy to beat, Sassy would plow stop and hold them still with her booty until her teammates joined her. Later in the bout, just before she left for the airport, she showed that she can drop jammers to the floor at will.
It was over when…
Emerald City agreed two months ago to come up to Oly for a bout. No one ever entertained the possibility that Emerald City might win.
Oly Rollers’ Cosa Nostra Donnas (Points – Lead Jammer – Total Jams – Jams in Penalty Box)
Hard Times 77-5-10-2
Tannibal Lector 34-2-2-0
Scara ta Death 28-5-5-0
Crooksie Contraire 19-2-2-0
Licker N Split 19-4-4-0
Lil Tonka 10-1-1-0
Intended Anger 9-1-1-0
T’erin Traxx 7-2-2-0
Rettig to Rumble 4-1-1-0
Deadly Aim 0-0-1-0
Blonde an’ Bitchin 0-0-1-1
Emerald City Skatesaphrenics (Points – Lead Jammer – Total Jams – Jams in Penalty Box)
Bullet Brains 16-3-10-2
Katarina Van Rotten 6-1-9-1
Surly Q 4-0-4-0
Betty Aim Fire 3-2-5-0
Assista Suicide 1-0-5-0
Frankie Facebreaker 0-2-3-0
I strongly recommend you check out my mentor Elwood Bruise’s feeble attempt at a write up of this bout. Check out the comments section for a nice look at his red ass. And, subscribe to him to have the second best recaps the derby world has to offer delivered right to your electronic mailbox. Okay, so maybe, quite possibly, he is the best.