Spinning your wheels in a relationship? Are you in a relationship where you find yourself saying if only my partner would change this or that about themselves it would make the relationship so much easier or tolerable? Have you stayed in a relationship in hope that those changes will take place only to find that time and time again you are in a relationship mirage?
On again / off again relationships not only wreak havoc on the two directly involved in the relationship but also on their friends and families who are often used as an outlet. Whether its an addiction, a 24/7 job or cheating, if you find yourself saying if only he/she wouldn’t do… or would do… it’s probably time to let go of the wishful thinking and view the situation in more realistic terms.
One way to begin to do this for yourself is to write down the pros and cons of the relationship. Be honest here! If your partner was respectful during the first 3 months you were dating but here it is a year later and in the past 9 months every time you eat dinner they are on the phone, then hello, those days are gone…put it on the con side. The list may take some time to think about and you should feel free to add to it. It may help to rank the pros and cons with most important to least important, 1 being least important and 5 being most important.
Analyze your list, are there more cons than pros? Total up the ranks, do some of the pros cancel out the cons? Are there some things you can live with while others make it worth it to walk? If you find you can live with most or can pick and choose your battles then you can likely talk your way through with your partner to find a compromise. If you find there are a number of high ranking cons ranging from not having a two-way street in the relationship (in other words you give and never get your needs met) to being treated with a lack of respect then its probably time to look for the nearest exit.
If you find that the cons outweigh the pros, that you are dealing with a serious issue such as a disorder, abuse or addiction it may be time to look at the cycle of the relationship. Has the relationship been on again off again due to this issue? What is your role in the cycle? If you are the person with the disorder, addiction or being abused the number one thing to do is to seek professional assistance, whether through a rehab facility or a private councelor. Each city has programs to assist in these situations which is only a phone call away if you call information they will be able to assist you or you can check your local phone book.
If you are dating the person with the addiction or disorder and they refuse to get help you have to then do what is best for yourself. It is up to you to utilize your resources and to make the decision to be done with a bad situation that is likely swallowing you whole. Keep in mind you can wish your life away that your partner will eventually quit their addiction or abusive behavior but ultimately the only thing you can change is yourself and the actions you take. It is not your responsibility to fix someone when doing so is to your detriment, so wake up to a new day and cut the cycle that is ultimately a waste of your time and effort and put those resources to good use to help yourself. You have two choices: continue wishing into thin air or jump out the nearest exit and pull the chute before landing into your new life without the drama and in a new direction. The choice is yours…