You wonder if they’re doing it on purpose at this point. The cast of Jersey Shore may not be known for their intelligence, but it looks as though they pulled out all the stops (i.e. their brain cells) for the much-anticipated season 4 premiere. So much so that it had me thinking about whether or not it’s all one big act. It took almost a full second of doubt for me shake my head clear and come to my senses. No one is that good of an actor (not even The Situation). Dustin Hoffman couldn’t even portray a character so lacking in their mental faculties, and he was Rainman. Thus my conclusion: OF COURSE they are that dumb—and that’s exactly why we love the show! While watching the premiere, I’ve decided to turn this season into an intellectual contest to see which cast member is the smartest (maybe that’s a poor choice of words. Let’s go with the least dumb). I’m calling it the Jersey Shore Intelligence Index (JSII). It should be a close contest, but I’m excited to see who comes out on top. To the recap!
The episode begins with our favorite miniature yellow alcohol bag strolling into a store to have her passport picture taken. We then get some excellent Snooki wisdom right from the start, as she showcases her geographic grasp of Europe: “You know Italy’s like that big country…no no! EUROPE is that big country, and then you have like Britain in there and England and…Italy.” She and Miss Teen South Carolina should get together and teach a class.
After Snooki, we get a little preview of how the different cast members are preparing the upcoming trip:
-Pauly D is as pumped as he’s ever been and declares that he’s going on “an international panty raid”;
-Deena has lunch with her friends in Jersey. They all seem to all look to her as their Queen Bee, since every time meatball #2 says something, they all nod and agree enthusiastically. It must be interesting to agree with everything Deena says. And life threatening. She showcases her class by strolling into a store to get her passport picture taken and then demanding of the photographer whether he “likes these boobs!” Following this, she bends over and invites the man to take pictures of her sparkling derriere. She may be confused. This is Jersey Shore Deena, not the videos you participated in when you were in college…err…high school…ahh…second grade. (Fun fact: Deena went to college! She has a dental assistant license from Brookdale Community.) She lets the audience know that she really has it together regarding what she’s anticipating abroad: “In Italy I’m expecting, bring a guy home, but I won’t do sex. You know, maybe just figure them out, and then maybe do sex later.” As Marv Albert would say: YES!
-Vinny is clearly the front-runner to win this year’s Jersey Shore Brain-A-Thon. He just seems like he’s a normal guy, and has a funny moment while practicing his Italian. What are some of the first words we hear him say? “No grenades please.” (it’s “non granate per favor”- now we can all do it!)
-Cut to Snooki in Marlboro, New York as she is packing up for her journey east. We are introduced to what’s sure to be a drama-filled storyline this season: her boyfriend! Yes, Snooki has a nice-looking boyfriend named Jionni, and they have been together six months. Oh, Jionni. Have you ever seen the show? Don’t you know that Snooki can’t resist that other man in her life? His name is Jose Cuervo. And he makes her do baaaad things. For what it’s worth (nothing), Snooki tells Jionni that she “will be good.” Good luck with that, Snooks.
-Next we have the 60-year-old wonder Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, who warns Italy to “lock up your daughters” and “handcuff your wives”. I would be very worried.
-Then there’s JWoww, who informs us of her ongoing relationship with Roger, the tattooed thug from last season. Jenni informs the camera that she doesn’t think she would cheat on Roger, especially since the odds of her finding a six-foot-four juicehead with tattoos would be difficult in Italy. Seriously, Jenni? I wonder why it’s so hard to find six-foot-four juiceheads with tattoos? Oh, wait—it’s because they’re all in prison.
-We move to the Bronx to visit Caveman Ronnie, who announces that “single Ronnie is back.” I take that to mean he’s back for another season of overwhelming physical and verbal abuse directed towards Sammi, his defenseless ex. He says that Single Ronnie only worries about himself, which makes me wonder exactly how he differs from the regular selfish Ronnie. Maybe this time he’ll throw EVERYONE’s belongings out of the house instead of just his girlfriend’s.
-Lastly we have Sammi “Sweetheart” who lies to the audience and declares that there will be no drama with Ronnie this year, although she will always love him. Even after he threatened her, insulted her and destroyed her possessions. Even after he cheated on her and lied about it. Why am I delving into the psychology of a Jersey Shore cast member? Here’s to Ronnie and Sam back together!
After all the introductions the adventure commences, as the guys and girls take their leave for “the motherland”. Theguys are travelling separately from the ladies, and both groups want to make it to the house before the other to have first choice of bedrooms.
Another Snooki Moment: After landing in Milan, Snooki spots a currency exchange and asks, “Oh! Is that where I get Pesos?” Adorably dumb. To be fair, it’s probably the only other currency she is familiar with as she was born in Chile. Wait…is that fair? Am I making excuses for Snooki? Perhaps it’s the only way I can wrap my brain around the “genius” of Jersey Shore.
Before they can exchange money, one of JWoww’s bronzer bottles explodes in her bag. She laments that she is down to only 8 bottles, and in her world that will be finished in about 10 days. I do not think she is kidding. Plainly she is concerned that in a few weeks her skin tone might actually resemble that of a human being (the horror!), and not of Tony the Tiger.
While the girls suffer, the guys land in Florence and have no trouble getting to their palatial new home. They are pleased (to say the least) at the accommodations, which feature the usual few bedrooms along with an outdoor patio complete with a grill. There’s only one problem with the place: Once inside the enormous wooden doors one must climb up two daunting flights of stairs to get inside the apartment proper. That wasn’t sarcastic; it’s like 1000 stairs, which begs the question—why would MTV rent a place that’s clearly a drunk’s worst nightmare? And with 8 polluted drinkers in the house, there’s bound to be hundreds of accidents…O.K. I get why they did it.
If you’re done with this page, feel free to check out part 2.