The proverbial “X”: the faceless emotionless erasable person who has become just a void to a once content filled life and relationship. A darkness develops into a black hole, spinning within our hearts and screaming into our thoughts, the “X” a definition of all that have come before the new.
We carry many “X’s” in our black book and memory bank. We put them in our stories and give them characteristics that turn like a chameleon’s skin. We give them roles of villains, idiots and liars. We describe our past into sections like little fairy tales while making sure we are always the hero or better yet, the victim. How we look at our past shapes our present. We narrate ourselves right into our future, silently or outspokenly. What are we saying?
Sometimes it is just easier to not remember and to cloud our memories with anger and disgust. There is a time when loss precedes logic and the beast inside just wants to fight back. These rumblings torment our waking hours as we remove the face that defaced us. Before these reflections can find a cord of sound within the witness of our mouth, we need to devour the remnants that have our blood spoiling and circulating through our heart which fuels every body part, organ and passage way – the ingredient of love and trust turned sour. Now with a rancid toxic feeling, we resolve to the fury, this person is now forever referred to as our “X”.
Relationships are like equations. We take a whole number, us, and add in a new number to see if fits as a positive or negative power then trying by trial and error, we put intentions on computing a solvable solution. We are all looking for someone who can fill in the gaps to our lives, balance our behaviors and complete something within ourselves. We are constantly adding and subtracting until we get to a place where the ending number is satisfying and in a stasis position. So, what happens to us when the equation becomes too difficult to solve? For many, we just chalk it up on a board and cross out their name and face as they are now just an “X” in our life.
Can we replace the “X” once we get to the “Y”?
A name carries a vibration which invokes a spark of energy. This vibration, even as the name is said, triggers sensory impulses and becomes a conductor of chain reactions igniting behaviors. How we interpret these sensations is why we choose to just use the letter “X” in our tales of boyfriend/girlfriends past. It is difficult to say a former lover’s name and not have a reaction: physically, mentally or emotionally. There are scenes that pop into view, situations that cause hurt or misunderstanding and a sudden pause which creates some speculation for what went wrong. There may even be a period of time that we could allot to in referring to this person as something other than their name. Seems natural that the name in which we previously doodled with hearts and flowers or repeated in our head like a sweet melody would be something that we choose to rid our mind of as the relationship has terminated. No harm, no foul…take a time out. We need some distance to move closer to our pain and probable solutions.
Relationships break up for many reasons: emotional/ physical compatibility, social/family dysfunction or distrust and respect issues. All these descriptions sound like irresolvable nagging problems we just want to run away from. Yet, every relationship is a journey within a journey. This is our story and we shape the story lines and the characters by what we are mirroring from the inside. Do we feel worthy enough, sexy and good looking, or even ready for an amazing relationship that is effortless and timeless? We project what we believe and then create situations to justify our thoughts. What do we truly want?
Our image of our self can be distorted when we go through something traumatic. We take on the identities of our partner without really realizing it so when the relationship dismantles we can become shattered also, each step taken pokes us with painful glass, reopening our wounds and reminding us of the cut. Pain is truly one of our most invasive precursors to growth. We need to look, touch then feel into the uncomfortable messages and lessons that each passing love has brought into our life. Once we have discovered and uncovered each emotion to bring us to a sense of balance, we can move on.
How much energy does it take to keep an “X” alive?
One definition of inertia is resistance to change. There is an energetic force that keeps us moving and shifting, yet, when we don’t let go of feelings and attachments we find ourselves stuck – stuck in a place of possible anger, resentment or fear. We can become frightened and go on auto pilot, continuing and moving in a straight line with blinders on shielding us from anything new. Our heart becomes like a dark hollow cave with no echos toward compassion or understanding. We go and hibernate, waiting for a brighter season to arrive. Break-ups cause all kinds of disturbances into our lives. We may go on a binge of promiscuous activity, just to get back at the other; we might become silent and not allow anyone near our heart; or we could become the worst of all, a victim to ourselves and to everyone around us, a glorified martyr. The real opportunity for growth exists in and flowers with the gift of time. Time isn’t measured by the setting of an alarm or a calculated ending; time, is ready when we are.
“X” = Was: We used to be this, now we are not because “X” is no longer a real number or countable, just a misplaced intersection.
When we refer to someone as an “X”, we may be transforming our thoughts of the past to signify some point of completion. The relationship is over; they are just simply an “X”. Our task, however, is to move from this division of two halves and nurture the one that stands alone; our theorem is calculated by our acceptance of truth (our truth) and the placement of positive elements that create an environment shifting our focus to the now. Everything all ready happened, so what. Do you want to continue retelling the story or do you want to start writing new and pleasurable adventures? Next time we want to refer to a partner of the past, try saying their name, standing tall and feeling grateful for all that we have learned to accept. All experiences are purposeful and some can be downright unpleasant. Yet, it is how we move through our life and make decisions to either embrace our opportunities to love and be loved or to sit on the bench because we feel we have been dealt with unfairly, that set the foundations for happy or solemn endings. The choice is ours.
While we are on this journey that takes us over many pathways and we feel sometimes misguided, I invite you to a local event that can help you breach some understanding and compassion for what is. Geoff Laughton, a spiritual coach and mentor, has been conducting workshops over 14 years. He is coming to Boulder September 9, 2011 for a 3-day workshop called: Extraordinary Journey Back to Self. This intimate workshop will have you examining your fears, expectations and recognizing self-sabotaging behavior which could be keeping you from living fully. He even offers a free relationship discovery consultation via phone. Check out his website for more information and registration to this life altering event. http://geofflaughton.com/gltc/extraordinary-journey-back-to-you/